In bed, late at night,
I worry about the “what if” and “might”.
What if I didn’t pass that test?
I memorized some, but not the rest.
I might fail the class,
But then again I might pass.
I think I’m doing well,
But how can I really tell?
Asking the professor takes guts,
Then they’ll know about my “whats”.
If they know I’m worried,
Will my exams be hurried?
Will they judge me inadequate?
Will they just tell me to quit?
Quitting would be easy, but add more stress,
My job options would become less.
College is so difficult for me,
It will take more years than four to be free.
School is just a small part of my apprehension,
There are many other things that cause my tension.
“So Lucky I Have You”
I lay here, twitching in pain and listen.
I listen to you snore, listen to the dog snore, as my t
Falling down my face, my tears follow trails.
Trails marked by tears before them, accompanying my wails
But wail not now, I dare.
It’s too quiet, too raw, too bare.
I sob in silence, I can’t wake you.
I know you’d want me to, it’s true.
You care for me when I hurt, when I cry.
You hold me when I tell you I don’t want to try.
You ask me how my doctor appointments went.
You let me sleep when my body is spent.
You love me so much and I can do nothing.
Nothing to slow this rapid aging.
Nothing to hide my tears, my fears, my sadness and woe.
You read me like a book, how, I’ll never know.
I couldn’t lie if I tried, you know me too well.
I wish I could give you relief for a spell.
I’m like a job, all these tears and these pains.
I know I try your patience yet your love remains.
You deserve a vacation from this constant job.
So silently I weep, silently I sob.
Will this pain ever leave me? God can only guess.
Until then, we’re stuck with this mess.
I pray you’ll stay with me, though I know I don’t deserve y
I love that you love me, through dark skies and blue.
I can’t breathe.
There’s nothing else on my mind but the pain.
It hurts so much, I feel I’m insane.
I’m in a three-ring circus,
My ring leader is squeezing my lungs, I can’t focus.
“Are you okay?” I lie.
“Yes, I’m fine”. I don’t know why.
Why this? Why me?
Can’t you just leave me be?
My body is a prison. But who holds the key?
School and work and homework.
Social life and family and self appreciation.
So much to juggle, so little time.
What comes first?
School is very important.
But if I don’t put my all into work, I might get fired.
If I get fired, I can’t afford to go to school.
If I can’t go to school, I’ll disappoint my family.
If I disappoint my family, I’ll feel bad and not appreciate
If I don’t appreciate myself, I won’t want to hang out with
friends, and my social life dies.
Finding a balance is so hard.
School, work, family, friends, self appreciation.
I know I’m not the only one who is struggling.
Maybe I’ll join a club that teaches juggling.
I’m sorry. You know I didn’t want to leave you this morning, but
I had to go to work.
Yes, I missed you.
I can’t lie, there were a few moments that I didn’t think abo
ut you…but you’re always there, in the
back of my mind.
Yes, today was a rainy day and I wasn’t feeling very good…I guess
I could have called in
sick…but we both know I can’t afford to do that.
I love you, I do…you know that all I want to do most days
is lay in bed with you all day.
But we both know that isn’t healthy.
You are good for me, that was never in question, I love you
more than I probably should…but
everything has to be in moderation.
Please, don’t be angry that I left you this morning…you
know I had to….now come here so we
can have more time together tonight. You can’t stay away
Get over here and let me love you, my dearest Sleep.
“You can’t see me”
What you can see with your eyes isn’t who I am. All you se
e is a shell; a hardened outer casing
that hides what is inside.
Inside is a beautiful creature with wings that can soar
to great heights.
Delicate fingers that reach out to heal and help. Callused ba
re feet that have walked miles and
still kept going no matter the fire and rocks and glass th
ey’ve tread upon.
Eyes that see beyond.
A heart that keeps beating no matter how many times it’s
A mind that never quits running, never stops imagining.
Yes, the shell hides these things. I know what you see.
You see a girl who is too fat.
Too stupid to understand that the people she helps will never chan
You see a girl who might look pretty if she just put some ma
keup on and stood up a little
You see a girl who doesn’t look sick or hurt but still parks i
n the handicapped spot.
Doesn’t she feel guilty?
Doesn’t she know that spot isn’t hers?
You see a chubby, selfish girl who doesn’t talk to many people
but smiles at everyone.
Maybe she’s crazy.
Maybe she’s slow.
You see these things but there are many more things you don’t
You don’t see the crippling disease that haunts her every
You don’t see the abuse she survived.
You don’t see the pain she’s always in because she hides it.
She doesn’t work out and lose weight because she physically can’t.
She doesn’t put on makeup because it took all of her energy
just to get out of bed.
She doesn’t talk to people because she knows that all they see is her shell.
She helps people that will never change because she cares
and she loves too much.
She doesn’t stand up straight because it physically hurts and
the weight on her shoulders is just
But despite all that, she keeps going.
I keep going.
I take the glares when I park in the handicapped spot and I don’t feel guilty because I am
Physically, my shell is broken.
My eyes are dark because I can’t sleep at night because of
My shell may be broken and unsightly.
But I keep going.
Someone needs me.
I can help people.
I can do my best and sometimes it isn’t enough. But sometimes it is.
I smile through my pain because someone needs that smile.
And no matter how bruised and battered my shell is, the beautiful winged creature inside of me
will always find a way to break through and hold me up when I need it.
You can’t see me with your eyes.
But if you let it, your soul can greet mine and others as
Close your eyes. Open your heart.
One sheep, two sheep, three sheep four,
Then my mind wanders right out the door.
After a long day, I’m tired to the bone,
I listen to the calming music playing from my phone,
But then I get distracted, so many things to do,
Everything I forgot shows up out of the blue.
I can’t stop thinking, my brain is on a loop,
All my thoughts are scattered, randomly in a group.
Why can’t I just go to sleep?
I’m so tired I could weep!
My body is exhausted but my brain is wide awake,
The way it keeps on going, like a deadline is at stake.
I tell myself to stop thinking,
But my eyes open up, blinking.
My mind continues to race,
Going deep into outer space.
One sheep, two sheep, three sheep four,
Still my mind wanders, right out the door.
Excited. Happy. Exuberant.
Heartbreak. What? Why? Her?
Seeing you with someone else. Mourn.
Living only half.
Nothing makes sense.
What is sense?
Why are you so happy with her?
No balance. No peace.
She broke your heart.
No. Picking up pieces.
Love. True love.
Happiness. Forever happiness.
A home. Not in one place.
Things are starting to make sense.
I’m so in love. I’m so happy.
Please don’t leave me again. I’ll love you forever.
If you’ll have me.
“Dragging Me Down”
Training my replacement.
Not enough to hold myself up, let alone anyone else.
I’m so sorry
you can’t rely on me.
Not my fault, nor theirs.
It’s this God damned disease.
How will I survive?
What’s a soul to do but
Holding on by a thread but my arthritic hands are slipping…
I can’t hold on any tighter.
I’m doing my best but
my best just isn’t good enough.
My inner demon,